You didn’t read about it in The Wall Street Journal or the society page of the Pee Dee’s journalistic jewel but the Café Ridiculous at Sandy Bay has changed hands. Vander Calvin and Milton Parrott bought the “bite and a fight” from Chad McCutcheon. Calvin and Milton wanted to change the name to the Kicking Chicken but after Campbell Soup tried to hire Steve Spurrier because he could make a chicken fall apart in a bowl, they decided to keep the name Café Ridiculous. Everything has changed. Your blood type is no longer printed on the wall. The menu is no longer printed on Charmin; the mildew has a fresh coat of paint; the bathroom is no longer a Pepsi bottle. No guns or knives are permitted, although this didn’t cut down on the causalities. A McKenzie can cripple the Dallas Cowboys with the hole of a Krispy Kreme donut.
At the Café Ridiculous cleanliness is next to the quality of the food. Bugs now wear dinner jackets, Ladybugs wear corsages, and no alcoholic beverages are sold after 8 p.m. Calvin said anybody that can’t get drunk by 8 p.m. ain’t trying.
As a grand opening special, the person receiving the most concussions and blood transfusions in February will receive an all expenses paid trip to Greeleyville and enjoy the luxurious accommodations at the Greeleyville Hilton famous for the dead cow in the lobby. They don’t have a swimming pool, but the mud puddle has a lifeguard. They don’t have White Cloud in the bathroom, but they have Brillo pads.
Visit the renowned Greelevyille Pharmacy and try a cone of their famous Ole Dutch Cleaner ice cream. Part of your itinerary will include a visit to the “Little Bank with a Big Heart.” The Bank of Greeleyville gives a way free samples every time the price of gas dips below five cents a gallon; every time there’s a blizzard in Greeleyville and when C.E. Murray wins the state championship in football or when there are more republicans than democrats in Greeleyville. Be sure you stop and have breakfast, lunch or dinner in the newly renovated Café Ridiculous at Sandy Bay.
There’s a big A on the front door from the health department that stands for absolutely all right. Peggy rode me up to the café on the golf cart. I couldn’t believe how good it looked on the inside. I got me a cheese omelet and it was delicious, so if you’re looking for a good meal, breakfast, dinner or supper I recommend the Café Ridiculous.
Nuts Off the King’s Tree
Dallas! Dallas! Dallas!
And they say life begins at 40. Brett Farve is not 40 yet, but he played like a teenager. The Vikings beat the contents of a septic tank out of the Cowboys. But all you heard since the playoffs is the Cowboys, Cowboys, Cowboys, American team. The stadium they play in makes the Taj Mahal look like an outhouse.
There will be no teardrops tonight at 768 Delos Road, Peggy, Chuck and I were pulling for the purple people eaters. That’s what they were called, when Alan Page, Fran Tarkington, Pat Brown, Carl Eller, Joe Kapp, Chuck Foreman, Jim Marshall played on Sunday afternoon. Peggy still has Viking t-shirts before Chuck made eating his hobby. Back then Minnesota didn’t play in a dormed stadium and in November, December and January, it could get as cold as a polar bear.
What attracted Chuck to the Vikings? Your guess is as good as mine. Why is Popeye attracted to Olive Oyl; Charlie Brown to the little red haired girl? What puts a kick in a chicken? The magic in June? They say opposites attract like fire and water. Peggy and I are different as garlic and chocolate. I converted her into a Clemson fan and she taught me that money was to be spent not saved.
So the days dwindle down, all I have left is the NFL. If sports were a buffet, basketball would be the croutons. Football and Christmas come once a year and the rest just takes up space on the calendar.