At Sandy Bay we don’t believe in gossip, we suffer from RLS…restless lip syndrome. If Sandy Bay had a newspaper like for award winning Gangrene Gazette in Greeleyville, that prints the name telephone number and DNA of every dog caught jay walking in the Pearl of the coastal plains, it would be seven pages of obituaries and the menu at the Café Ridiculous.
There’s nothing like visitors, especially when they come be-aring gifts. Sally and the Legal Eagle #3 graced our dwelling last week along with Prince Cabbage and Princess Di.
Time is the enemy and brings no gift. It’s hard to believe Sally and Billy have just celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary.
Walker Cottingham just had a hip replacement, Sam Floyd is 40 years old, Cabbage Williamson has two new knees and Charlie Walker can’t talk.
Isn’t it a blessing that you can get a new hip or new knees? But vocal cords are not available at Wal-Mart because China don’t make ‘em.
Billy took Sally to Maine on their anniversary. Billy wanted to hitchhike, but Sally talked him into taking the Big Grey Dog. Sally said it stopped at every cornfield. For the record, when Billy and Sally’s grandchildren read this, in the eyes, nose and big mouth of Williamsburg County that makes a difference once week at a time, except for this column which makes a difference none of the time, that once upon a time I tried to warn Sally she was falling into a burning ring of fire. That since the Yankees fired on Fort Sumter, that ole Citadel men had the reputation of being playboys of the Western World, and that she could bake a red velvet cake out of rutabagas and animal crackers easier than she could turn that redneck Casanova into Oliver Wendell Homes.
But my prophecy didn’t come true. Through hard work and dedication, Sally proved you could make a purse out of sow’s ears. Billy now knows the difference between the defendant and the judge. He no longer looks for his favorite brand of chewing gum under the seat at the movies. He don’t address a jury calling them riff-raff, rednecks, and radicals. Last week Sally made Billy cut his toenails because he was scratching the sheets.
In Maine, Billy discovered that lobster was equivalent to grits in Williamsburg County. Sally said Billy ate lobster with Moon Pies and lobster with black-eyed peas. Billy says lobster is good stuff, but it will never replace peanuts in a bottle of Pepsi.
Billy and Sally brought Peggy and I a framed column I had written for our 50th anniversary. Peggy’s going to hand it above the Silver Crescent Award I received.
Billy and Sally brought me another gift, a picture of the Confederate soldier that was supposed to be the monument on our courthouse grounds. Much has been printed about the incident and it has been the source of a million bad jokes. According to Billy, after the error was discovered, the community in Maine, where Kingstree’s Confederate monument went, entered into negotiations with the “Royal Town” but diplomacy failed and that’s why a town in Maine has a Confederate soldier on top of their monument and we have a Yankee standing on ours.
It’s still hard to believe Billy and Sally have been married 35 years. Congratulations!
Cabbage and Princess Di were on the way to the barn in Lake City to eat BBQ pork chops when they visited us at Sandy Bay. Princess Di brought me a pumpkin with a Tiger Paw on it. We will find out what the Chickens and the Tigers have when they play Ole Miss and TCU.
Several weeks ago I wrote about sorry men who were fortunate enough to have the right women in their lives. Can you imagine Billy without Sally, Cabbage without Princess Di, Walter Cottingham without Beth, Fritz Smith without Margaret, Troy McKenzie without Bunny McKenzie, Linda McGill without Hilton McGill?
These and a lot more I could mention who realize a marriage license don’t come with a warranty. I wonder what would have happened to all those men without the proper guidance and leadership that’s part of every good woman’s DNA.
Billy would probably be a lawyer for the mob. Cabbage would run a barbershop in Trio. Hilton would have a paper route in Hogeye. Troy would be an Elvis impersonator. Fritz would be selling Swine Flu shots to hogs. And Walter would be the only insect chiropractor within the Pee Dee. If your Catawba worm has the backache, call Walter.
And don’t leave out me. If Peggy hadn’t took pity on me, I would have probably become a member of the Diplomats Corps, Ambassador to Ne-smith, where I use my talents, which are many, to keep Henry from invading Nesmith.
That’s all folks until next week, same time, same newspaper. If you believe these columns will get better, you probably buy lottery tickets and I have a Wal-Mart in Suttons I would love to sell to you.
For a hundred years Kingstree has had a Confederate monument with a Yankee Soldier on top of it, while the state of Maine has a Yankee monument with a Confederate soldier. If they (whoever they were) hadn’t screwed up, this is what our monument would look like. This picture is courtesy of Billy Jenkinson.