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Hunting widows and marriage contracts

8/29/2012 Michaele Duke

There's something going on - something in the air, almost like something is about to happen. Have you noticed it? For instance, men who normally come home on time, go to bed at a reasonable hour and occasionally help around the house are mysteriously aloof. For the purpose of this column, I'll assume its not because they're having an affair...or maybe they are.

If you pay close attention, its easy to catch the guilty. Have you noticed how the highways have become clogged with trucks pulling trailers loaded with four wheelers, or that store racks are brimming with camouflaged shirts, pants, jackets and every other outdoor accessory known to mankind? These are dead giveaways that the call of the wild has arrived and if you're not a hunter then you might as well prepare yourself for a long cold winter.

Your man is about to engage in a love affair but not with a two legged bombshell. His attention is focused on a gorgeous, furry, four-legged whitetail and nothing will stop him in his pursuit. Your man will loose sleep, he probably won't shave and he may even loose his appetite. As a result, many women feel betrayed - kicked to the curb - abandoned and all the screaming and crying (and occasional begging) will not cure his itch.

So what do you do? Allow me to share a personal experience. I've hunted since I was a child but along the way, my path was directed away from the outdoors. Then, in the mid-1980’s I met the Sergeant Major and life, as I knew it changed forever. Marriage has been good for us both but I suspect the great white hunter has bullets in his blood and Scent-lock in his genes because every August the aforementioned behavior erupts and he disappears for days, preparing fields, checking for "buck signs", etc. And on opening day, he vanishes without a trace.

Still considered newlyweds, this one-sided behavior triggered a rather cacophonous household. In fact, of the two verbal arguments we have engaged in, the bigger was directed at my being "stuck" at home with the kids while Mr. Deer Killer was out frolicking in the woods.

When faced with this dilemma, a woman has several choices: Kick the bum out, get a divorce, or do what I did - embrace the old adage "If you can't beat-em, join-em". Since I made that choice life has been smooth sailing and it only required a simple amendment to the marriage contract...Hummm, I think its time for a new rifle and maybe a pink & camouflage shirt..."Honey, would take me to the sporting goods store? Don't forget your wallet."

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