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[/if ImageKingstree] We have three veterinarians in Williamsburg County; Walter Cottingham, Jay Chandler and Dr. James Coker, none of which have been sued for malpractice. Although, Dr. Jay Chandler once diagnosed a tomcat from Indiantown as being pregnant which turned out to be gas. Dr. Chandler refused to comment on whether it was regular or hi-test.

Dr. Coker runs a spa for animals on Hwy. 52 where your pet coyote can receive a massage, a manicure and a martini with the purchase of stock in the Lady of Malpractice Hospital in Greeleyville, with their coin-operated bed pans and its $8 million recovery room, which no one has ever recovered.

Dr. Cottingham is so exclusive, he won’t treat your cat without references from three other cats. If your pet oyster has royal blood, Walter will house it in the Cottingham Hilton. Mongrels are confined in the “no-tell motel” where Walter holds church service every Sunday so he can take up a collection.

All three of Williamsburg County’s vets are experts in their field. Dr. Chandler was awarded the “Order of the Silver Hemorrhoids” with oak leaf cluster by the elimination of a billy goat’s smell. Now the goat can smell nothing because Dr. Chandler cut off the goat’s nose.

Dr. Coker has gained fame for his work in “fleas knees.” In his research, Dr. Coker discovered fleas get their bad knees from playing football. He recently operated on a flea named Leroy and replaced both knees. Leroy is recovering and is eating well. Last night Leroy had fillet of cocker spaniel and he feasted on a Chihuahua’s funny bone for dessert.

Dr. Cottingham has been honored from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli for his bedside manner. He once treated King Kong because his funny bone wouldn’t quit giggling, Lassie for PMS, and a rattlesnake at Millwood for depression. The snake was depressed because all he had to bite was Tisdales and McClarys.

The three stooges (James, Walter and Jay) are all in favor of Medicare for pets. They realize these are trying economic times. Dr. Chandler accepted a Snickers’ bar with teeth marks on it as payment for pulling a butterfly’s wisdom tooth. At Sandy Bay, Troy McKenzie told his dog Bud-Light he couldn’t go to the prom. Sam Floyd has switched from sugar to Sweet and Low in his hunting dogs’ ice tea. Peggy has cut back on Hound T’s groceries. Rutabagas have replaced rib eyes and he may have to give up his condo at Pawleys Island.

Last week Walter evicted a Catawba worm because his check bounced. According to the Associated Press, a dog with royal blood can cost from $800 to $2,000. Bowls, leash, toys and accessories can cost $30-$50, license $10-$20, training classes $150, microchip implants $50 (plus $20 to activate), food $225-$400 a year, vet care (non-emergency) $250-$500 a year, pet health insurance $250-$500 a year, seven day room and board at the vet $140-$420. Maybe Hound T can qualify for the president’s stimulus package. Hound T is of royal blood. His ancestors were the cats on the Ark but he’s never been to a training class.

But my cat is eat up with common sense. He don’t chase pickups or play hide and seek with pit bull dogs. He has no license, but he does have a Visa Card. Hound T doesn’t have a microchip implant, but he has ticks and fleas that pay big bucks to live in an exclusive neighborhood that cat’s don’t have insurance as long as he eats out of a can. Instead of Old Scrap Iron’s kitchen, he don’t need any insurance.

That cat has never been groomed. I did try to give that cat a bath once, and I’ve got the scars to prove it. Hound T has enjoyed room and board just once at Walter’s “no-tell motel.”  The cage was not air-conditioned; the sanitary facilities were primitive, nothing but a litter box.

A Sandy Bay tomcat does not use a litter box for a powder room. There was no TV, no stereo, no laptop, no refrigerator, no microwave, no Sealy Posturepedic mattress. Hound T was humiliated. Then Walter had the nerve to put my cat next to a Persian kitty from Greeleyville with evil on her mind. She tried to seduce my cat. However my cat has strong moral values. He was tempted but the fort held. When he came home his virginity was intact. Does anyone out there want to buy a stupid tomcat?