There should be a hall of fame for clichés. The first one inducted would be “the check is in the mail.” Another golden oldie that deserves consideration is “practice makes perfect.”
I’ve been writing columns for over 30 years and practice don’t make perfect. There’s as much different in practice and perfect as there is Vaseline and trampoline. I’ve been a virus for the ears, nose and eyes of Williamsburg County for over 50 years.

But the person responsible for this column has never been brought to justice. When she inflicted this curse on Williamsburg County her name was Cathy Green. Today, her alias is Cathy Wilkerson. Cathy had never begged for forgiveness for her crime against humanity, but neither does she include this information on her resume that she was responsible for “Bark Off the King’s Tree.”

In 1974, Preacher’s Drug Store was a gathering place for eagles, hummingbirds, and an occasional vulture. For debutants and snuff dippers, it was home away from home. It was a place to buy Ex-lax, pickled sandwiches and HMP, a miracle drug that could make the lame walk and the blind see.

In 1974 Dickie Preacher, Archie Ward, and Charlie Walker were studs. That was before Mother Nature and Father Time transformed us into duds. This is where the masses gathered to tell jokes that would make Howard Stern blush; a place where a lot of prescription and stomach were filled.

Last week in March 1974 will live in infamacy. That was when I started polluting eyes as well as ears. Cathy Green was the publisher of the Kingstree News. In 1974, a year’s subscription was $4. Into Preacher’s Drug Store marched Cathy, where she proclaimed she couldn’t find anyone in Williamsburg County to write a newspaper column.

I was the only intellectual present who stuck my dainty foot in my big mouth. I informed Cathy that anyone can write a newspaper column. Which is true. Anyone can write a column, but few can write a good newspaper column. Three thousand columns later, I’m still trying.

Where the column got its name is a mystery. I don’t recall whether Cathy or I came up with the name “Bark off the King’s Tree.” Maybe it was collaboration, like Rogers and Hart, grits and gravy, Viagra and spin the bottle.

The last week in March 1974, the Kingstree Blues reported John C. Flagler had neck bones on sale. In 1974, John had stores in Lake City, Beulah, Bloomingvale, Warsaw, and Georgetown, the big store on the Warsaw highway and Eastside Market.

The front page had an article announcing a re-map plan that would divide Williamsburg County into two divisions, House Seat 101 and 102.

Kingstree Mayor Leonard Burgess announced the month of April would be Cancer Control Month.

Alton McCullough was re-elected Mayor of Lane without opposition.

Miss Sadie R. Major from Lane retired after 38 years of teaching.

Miss Rosa Marie Owens married Mr. Jerry Wilson at the Cades Pentecostal Holiness Church.
 
The American Bicentennial Research Institute announced that Miss Eleanor Winn Foxworth had been added as a reference source in its library. Miss Foxworth is director of human relations at the Williamsburg Regional Manpower Training Center.

Eastside Motors was offering daily rent-a-car service. Lynwood Tyler at Belk was having an 18-Hour Playtex sale, $1 off on bras, $2 off on girdles.

The A&P store had Super-Rite beef loins on sale $1.29 lb.

Thomas Motor Company was selling brand new 1974 Pintos with an AM radio for $2499.

The Bank of Greeleyville was paying 7.25 percent interest on a four-year time deposit with a minimum deposit of $1,000.

Kingstree Electric was selling Westinghouse heavy-duty washers for $229.95.

Chuck McElveen and Lee Lineberger led the Williamsburg Academy golf team to victory over Carolina Academy.

The Kingstree Boll Weevils were behind a one-hit pitching of Ernest Gause blanked St. Stephen 11-0.

Battery Park took first place in the county track meet at Fennell Field. Kingstree came in second, followed by Cades-Hebron and Hemingway. The item didn’t mentioned Greeleyville, which always had great track teams. 

Swintz Holiday and Moise Wilson were running for county commissioner.

Gray’s Mobile Home on Highway 52 was offering 10,000 greenback stamps with the purchase of a new mobile home.

R.L. Stanley’s IGA on Mill Street advertised a half gallon of ice cream for 59¢ and five 36-ounce bottles of Coke for 95¢.

In 1974 people still worked at Baxter’s, Warsaw Manufacturing and Drexel.

When Bark off the King’s Tree made its debute, it caused a sensation. Maybe sensation is not the right word. If I had written just one column, the only one who would miss is would be me.

The people had become inoculated to a virus that infected their ears, now they were having to be inoculated for a virus of the eyes.

There have been many changes since 1974; fax machines, emails, cell phones, digital cameras, high definition TV. But my column hasn’t changed. You can pour perfume on a hog, but it’s still a hog.

I still write these columns with a ballpoint pen on a legal pad. There have been approximately 1763 copies of this newspaper since Bark off the King’s Tree appeared for the first time. That proves practice don’t make perfect.

Here is the first column that appeared in the Kingstree News the last week of March 1974.

So you think Williamsburg County’s favorite dish is barbecue or maybe chicken. That’s how much you know.

Recent survey among gourmets has shown that Williamsburg County’s favorite food is Greeleyville ice cream. Or to the intellectual, plain ‘ol grits.

Which brings us to a true story.

Carl Powell recently decided to go to the races in Daytona along with Bill Wright, David McCutchen, Gene Black and Vardell Haniford. They stopped at a restaurant and ordered breakfast.

The waitress brought them ham and eggs and hash brown potatoes. Carl Powell looked at the potatoes and big tears came into his eyes. And he pleaded with the young lady for some grits.

The waitress made it plain that grits were available – only at an extra cost. Carl Powell, a big spender in Kingstree, told the sweet young thing in no uncertain terms that he had to have some grits even if he had to sell some of his General Motors stock.

So the waitress wiggled out with a saucer full of Greeleyville ice cream and quoting Carl it “was not enough to fill a lighting bug’s belly button much less cover an egg.”

They finished the breakfast, the waitress brought checks and gave Carl two. One for the breakfast and one for the grits.

Carl’s blood pressure began to rise as he noticed the check for the grits was $2.50.
Now Carl is a true southern gentleman. At his best, under duress, I’ve seen him with no available exit handy, talk back to his wife, who at the time, was holding a large piece of stove wood.

So Carl, remaining calm and cool addressed the Yankee gentleman behind the cash register and said, “Mister, do you ever come to South Carolina?”

And the man replied that he did.

Well, mister, if you ever stop at a restaurant in South Carolina, and order $2.50 worth of grits, you’d better have a number two washtub to haul if off in.”