Mike Wallace and Katie Couric were not present. It wasn’t reported in the Wall Street Journal, or the Hemingway Observer, but the Kings-tree Blues, always on the cutting edge of journalistic jive, carried a picture event on the front page.

Half the population of Lane and half the politicians in Williamsburg County were in the photograph. Shirley McKnight, who has been Lane Chief of Police since Jesse James tried to rob a train on the Broomstraw Road, was presented with a set of keys to a Dodge Charger. If they had filled up the gas tank, it would have doubled the value of the vehicle. If the Town of Lane could afford a tank of gas they would be listed on the New York Stock Exchange.

The only newsworthy event that’s taken place in Lane, in recent memory, was when a Brown married a McKenzie. They wanted to celebrate this historic event while shooting off a cannon in front of the post office.

But because scrap metal sells for outrageous prices, someone stole the cannon. I’m surprised no one has tried to steel the railroad tracks.

So instead of shooting off a cannon when Debbie and Payton Brown got married, everyone stood in front of the post office and through spit balls at the bride and groom.
When a Brown and McKenzie join together, the offspring can make King Kong look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

What the voters in the great republic of Williamsburg would like to know is why Lane got a car, while Suttons does without? Suttons already has Cooper’s, and a used Cooper is worth more than a new Dodge any day, and you don’t have to change your oil in a Cooper every thousand miles?

Pergamos didn’t get a car. Piney Forest didn’t get a car. Neither did Henry or Mt. Vernon. At Cades the voters had a hissy and jumped right in the middle of it. I can sympathize with them. More cars travel through Cades in 15 minutes than goes through Lane in deer season.

County council had voted to give Millwood a new mule, if they can find one with an IQ as high as a Tisdale.

Johnson Tisdale said at Millwood they no longer steal cigarettes, beer and lottery tickets. With gas selling for $4 a gallon, they have started stealing pork and beans. One can contains enough gas to drive from Cedar Swamp to Central if you don’t run the air conditioner.

The only thing Lane and Cades have in common is a convenient store.

You can buy a new fire truck in Cades from Johnson’s Fire and Safety. Lane offered to buy a new fire engine for a dollar down and a dollar a week. Johnson refused their generous offer. So Lane will have to raise taxes and buy a new water pistol.

The convenient store at Cades and the one in Lane claims to sell the “world’s best hot dogs”. Bob Watford at Warsaw says that’s bull hockey. Bob claims his hot dogs contain more meat than the average watermelon. And his chili is made out of pure armadillo meat, which are found in remote areas of Williamsburg County, like Boogie Bottom, Hell’s Half-Acre, Stuckey, and Trio.

Since the county has refused to surface the roads from Hwy. 41 at the Piney Forest Church through the 50 Cent Road, Bob has generously donated his chili to fill up the potholes.

Frank Oliver at Santee Grocery, also has a dog in his fight. Frank claims Yankees spend their vacations in Heineman just to enjoy his hot dogs.

Business is so good Holiday Inn plans to build a motel at Gourdine. And Delta Airline is considering a direct flight from L.A. and New York to Greeleyville. The plane will land at Jonte International Jet Port. Bobby and his lovely wife Beth will sell passengers snow cones and boiled peanuts.  When the passengers exit the airplane, Bobby will offer them a Bank of Greeleyville credit card, which is accepted all over Williamsburg County and parts of Foreston as long as the purchase doesn’t exceed 35¢.

The use of a Bank of Greeleyville credit card entitles you to luxurious premiums. For example, if you purchase the Empire State Building, Ethiopia and the Dallas Cowboys, you will have accumulated enough points on your Bank of Greeleyville credit card for a free ice cream cone from Walter Rogan’s Greeleyville Pharmacy, a CD of Ken Kennedy and Pearl Brown singing “You got the right string baby, but the wrong yo-yo”, a guided tour of Mishoe Oil Co., and a night on the town where you can boogie the night away at the Bucket of Blood cocktail lounge and mortuary. You can arm wrestle Mayor German Glasscho, climb the water tower (parachute not included), and visit the tomb of the unknown serial killer.

Meanwhile, I suggest the FBI, CIA, SLED, Scotland Yard, and Harrison McKnight visit Lane and find out how they got a new car while the citizens of Salters Depot can’t afford a postage stamp unless they have a co-signer.