Happy 80th birthday to Peggy McGill and happy 50th wedding anniversary to Peggy Walker. If I had a nickel for all the pleasures these two Peggy’s have brought their families, I’d buy Greeleyville and turn it into Jurassic Park. In six months every dinosaur would be in somebody’s freezer in Greeleyville.

I always believed there would be an earthquake at Suttons, a volcano eruption at Henry, a tidal wave in Black River when Sam Floyd got married. All we got instead was a mushroom cloud over Twin Lakes when Sam and Tammy tied the knot.
Husband hunting is the only sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license. A marriage license is a hunting permit that entitles you to one “dear” at a time. There’s a tropical paradise between Sandy Bay and Hebron called Twin Lakes. That’s where Sam and Tammy had their reception. There are those who believe Twin Lakes was the original Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were both nude and the mosquitoes were vegetarians.

If Adam was a McKenzie and Eve was a Williamson, I can understand why the mosquitoes didn’t eat no meat. Even today when a McKenzie needs a transfusion, if Round-up isn’t available, any old snake will do.

When Robert Allen “Cabbage” Williamson, who had sold more tires than anyone in Williamsburg County, had to have both knees replaced the V.A. could only find one snake that would contribute a knee. Cabbage had to use one of Peggy’s biscuits to replace the other. That biscuit has a warranty that’s good for 2,000 tire changes and 1,000 oil changes.

Sam and Tammy decided to call the reception a luau. Sam wanted to see Billy Jenkinson in a grass skirt. I had rather see Salley in a croaker sack than the “Legal Eagle #3” in a white sport coat and a pink carnation.

I’d give a book of Greenback Stamps to see Walter Cottingham do the hula. The girls in Greeleyville can put a quart of milk on each hip and in 15 minutes you’ve got butter. A luau is when you baptize the hog in virgin olive oil as opposed to a red neck barbecue where the hog is morally lax and suffers from promiscuity. A luau is when you put an apple in the hog’s mouth. Sam claimed getting married is almost as expensive as farming. So Sam cut expenses by putting a grits sandwich in the hog’s mouth.

At Sandy Bay a grits sandwich is considered a gourmet dish that’s almost as popular as a boneless Mello Yello.

Sam wouldn’t say what was in the punch bowl but Peggy brought some home and put it in her birdfeeder. The Hummingbirds used to hum; now they yodel. Sam put a sign on the bar that read, “Drink all you want, but beware you can be voted out of Sandy Bay.” That warning was as useful as a warning label on a pack of Marlboros. Multitudes consumed 50 cases of beer, 17 gallons of Crown Royal and we don’t know how much Jim Bean, Vodka, Gin and Rum. But I would like to say, that in spite of the large number of Baptists present, not a single drop of alcohol touched their lips…they all brought straws!

The line at the restrooms was so long I thought they were giving away cheese.

The High Sheriff Kelvin Washington and his wife were there. Our chief law enforcement officer didn’t touch a drop, but Legrand Carraway breathed on him and the sheriff got lost on Hwy. 261 trying to find Hemingway. George Hammett gave Sam a rolling pin with the inscription “Law and Order,” printed on it. Sam had installed a traffic light at the buffet under the tent. When the light turned yellow, it meant slow down, green meant eat all you can while you can. It was frustrating to professional eaters like Lloyd C. Morris who could eat only two pounds of barbecue in 30 seconds. Everything was perfect and just when you thought things couldn’t get any better, THEY DID…a Cadillac from Auddie Brown driven by Chris Brown. His only passenger was the “King.”

Sam had just married the girl of his dreams and now his hero, Elvis, was wearing more white than Sam and Tammy’s wedding cake.

Wendell Carter had discovered Elvis in Greeleyville where he was attending Flag Day. He was eating ice cream at Walter Rogan’s. It was Wendell’s wedding gift to Sam and Tammy. The bride and groom stomped to Viva Las Vegas and Love Me Tender and then Elvis serenaded “Ole Scrap Iron” and I with Blue Hawaii to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary.

Chris Brown cut off his pant legs so it wouldn’t interfere with his shaking. I assume the suit was paid for. Chris will have to sell a lot of cars to pay for that suit. Next week we will write about the rehearsal party, the wedding, and we will have pictures. So you had better reserve your copy of “The Blues” now.